Stupid shit I’ve said in Dutch

When you’re learning a new language, you’re going to make mistakes and get laughed at.

The sooner you accept this fact, stop giving a fuck and just do it anyway – the better. Good luck!

So without further ado, here’s some of the stupid shit I’ve said in Dutch…

Photo credit:


1. “Ik ben bang voor de moe!”Β 

“I’m afraid of the tired.” Koe… I meant koe!! (Cow).


2. “Ik heb mijn benen uit.”

“I have my legs out.” (E.g. – I have removed my prosthetic legs…)

I was supposed to say: “Ik heb blote benen.” (I have bare legs.)

3. “Ondernemer. So she’s an undertaker, right?”

The literal translation ‘onder’ is under and ‘nemer’ is taker. But it actually means entrepreneur. Ooooops.

And since my Dutch is practically flawless πŸ’β€β™€οΈ (IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU’LL BELIEVE ANYTHING!) I’ve had to request the help of my Facebook followers to bulk this baby out a bit. 3 bullet points does not a blog post make, am-I-right?


4.Β  “Up yours!” via Rob van H. on Facebook

“Well not so much in Dutch but in an effort to speak Dunglish I said ‘Up yours’ (op jou = to you) when raising my glass. Good thing the British people at the pub at the time knew me already…”

5. “Just going for a poo!” via Fleur D. on Facebook

“We had planned an evening shopping trip to get lots of things for a pending holiday: My husband said across a full office in his best Dutch: ‘Fijne avond, ik ga een grote boodschap doen’ which to a Dutchie translates as: ‘Have a nice evening, I’m going for a big poo’.”

6. Speaking of poo… via Beth G. on Facebook

“I’ve made the mistake of shouting in a game ‘Ik wil niet scheiten’, instead of ‘Ik wil niet schieten’. Big difference!”

7. “I’m horny, horny, horny horny…” via Haylee G. on Facebook

“When I was learning basic Dutch with a lovely little old lady when I first arrived, she asked me to write the word for yellow… I wrote down ‘geil’ πŸ˜‚.”

8. “One sec, just gotta pay the whore…” via Bianca F. on Facebook

“One of my non-Dutch speaking friends once announced: ‘Ik moet de hoer betalen’. He obviously meant ‘huur’ = rent, rather than ‘prostitute’.

9. “I’ll have a portion of chicken fuckers please.” via Ginger R. on Facebook

“Mijn vroegere buurvrouw bestelde ‘kippeneukers’ bij de McDonalds in plaats van kipnuggets (chicken fuckers, she said chicken fuckers). Hilarisch πŸ˜‚πŸ€£”

10. “I’m going to let my husband die tomorrow…” via Jolanda V. on Facebook

“Mijn Engelse buurvrouw: ‘Mijn man is zo moe, ik laat hem vanmorgen lekker inslapen 😊.” (Uitslapen = sleep in. Inslapen = fall asleep, forever.)

11. Flirting gone wrong… via Sophie B. on Facebook

“A few years ago, I ended a flirty text with ‘dooie’!! xxx’ 😜 (Dooie = dead!)

12. “My pussy is missing…” via Bryony S. on Facebook

“Mijn puss is vermist. Not strictly incorrect but rife for misunderstandings! (My cat turned up in the end…)”

Got any new ones for me? We’re all friends here… and we won’t laugh… promise πŸ˜‰

Hayley x




  1. All my errors are Spanish. πŸ˜‚

    What Duolingo wanted: March, April, May and June (or “Marzo, Abril, Mayo y Junio”.)

    What my iphone heard: “Marceaux are you my dear Julio?” Got to love voice-to-text!

    Then there was that time when I was doing Duo on the computer and I couldn’t figure out for the life of me why it was talking about avocados.

    Turns out it was saying, “Adecuado”–adequate! (Which my mind wasn’t!)

    Seems like there was one with spiders, but I can’t remember. But I enjoy, “Een spin spint een spinnenweb!” πŸ˜…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I remember the spider one now!

      What it was: Si es una araΓ±a, yo corro. [If it’s a spider, I run.]
      What I heard: Si es un(a) naranja, yo corro. [If it’s an orange, I run.] πŸ˜‚


      Also, there was a time where I was convinced that “ejercicio” meant…ahem…male fluids, rather than exercise.

      Despite it being a school assignment. Handed out by the teacher. πŸ€¦πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ


  2. One of my friends told his assistant “Ik heb je ontslag gekregen (I got you fired) (Instead of Ik heb je opslag gekregen (a raise). She did not look too happy after he told her that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I tried to tell the vet (in Dutch) the dog’s anal glands were blocked, and practised saying it for days. I finally stood at reception and announced confidently that β€˜the dog’s kitchen is shut’ 🀣🀣🀣🀣

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m wheezing 🀣

    I think the funniest thing I’ve said in English for a while was when I was helping someone move and she had some bits of wood to go.
    So I asked Q, a brit, who was playing tetris with the van, whether he had somewhere he could put this wood.
    The LOOK he gave me 🀣

    Liked by 1 person

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