When you’re learning a new language, you’re going to make mistakes and get laughed at.
The sooner you accept this fact, stop giving a fuck and just do it anyway – the better. Good luck!
So without further ado, here’s some of the stupid shit I’ve said in Dutch…
1. “Ik ben bang voor de moe!”
“I’m afraid of the tired.” Koe… I meant koe!! (Cow).
2. “Ik heb mijn benen uit.”
“I have my legs out.” (E.g. – I have removed my prosthetic legs…)
I was supposed to say: “Ik heb blote benen.” (I have bare legs.)
3. “Ondernemer. So she’s an undertaker, right?”
The literal translation ‘onder’ is under and ‘nemer’ is taker. But it actually means entrepreneur. Ooooops.
And since my Dutch is practically flawless 💁♀️ (IF YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU’LL BELIEVE ANYTHING!) I’ve had to request the help of my Facebook followers to bulk this baby out a bit. 3 bullet points does not a blog post make, am-I-right?
4. “Up yours!” via Rob van H. on Facebook
“Well not so much in Dutch but in an effort to speak Dunglish I said ‘Up yours’ (op jou = to you) when raising my glass. Good thing the British people at the pub at the time knew me already…”
5. “Just going for a poo!” via Fleur D. on Facebook
“We had planned an evening shopping trip to get lots of things for a pending holiday: My husband said across a full office in his best Dutch: ‘Fijne avond, ik ga een grote boodschap doen’ which to a Dutchie translates as: ‘Have a nice evening, I’m going for a big poo’.”
6. Speaking of poo… via Beth G. on Facebook
“I’ve made the mistake of shouting in a game ‘Ik wil niet scheiten’, instead of ‘Ik wil niet schieten’. Big difference!”
7. “I’m horny, horny, horny horny…” via Haylee G. on Facebook
“When I was learning basic Dutch with a lovely little old lady when I first arrived, she asked me to write the word for yellow… I wrote down ‘geil’ 😂.”
8. “One sec, just gotta pay the whore…” via Bianca F. on Facebook
“One of my non-Dutch speaking friends once announced: ‘Ik moet de hoer betalen’. He obviously meant ‘huur’ = rent, rather than ‘prostitute’.
9. “I’ll have a portion of chicken fuckers please.” via Ginger R. on Facebook
“Mijn vroegere buurvrouw bestelde ‘kippeneukers’ bij de McDonalds in plaats van kipnuggets (chicken fuckers, she said chicken fuckers). Hilarisch 😂🤣”
10. “I’m going to let my husband die tomorrow…” via Jolanda V. on Facebook
“Mijn Engelse buurvrouw: ‘Mijn man is zo moe, ik laat hem vanmorgen lekker inslapen 😊.” (Uitslapen = sleep in. Inslapen = fall asleep, forever.)
11. Flirting gone wrong… via Sophie B. on Facebook
“A few years ago, I ended a flirty text with ‘dooie’!! xxx’ 😜 (Dooie = dead!)
12. “My pussy is missing…” via Bryony S. on Facebook
“Mijn puss is vermist. Not strictly incorrect but rife for misunderstandings! (My cat turned up in the end…)”
Got any new ones for me? We’re all friends here… and we won’t laugh… promise 😉