Fear is the mind killer

My friend has a tattoo with these words on her arm. She’s been wanting to start a blog for years and never plucked up the courage, hopefully now she will. Because she’s unemployed and looking for her next challenge. 

As am I.

Different circumstances, same end result. 

Fear is the mind killer

I finally built up the courage to leave my current job after 13 years. 5 years working from home. I just couldn’t work on my own anymore. I was so lonely and unfulfilled. 

I started this blog over 5 years ago and I used to write for fun. No one read it but I didn’t care. I just wrote any old crap. My theme was olllllllld skool. I designed the logo myself 😂😂 but I wrote about things that made me happy. 

After a few months I changed my WordPress theme, moved to Holland and started writing stuff about my new life in the Netherlands. About funny/stupid shit Dutch people do. Stuff that made me chuckle to myself on a daily basis. And people started to read it. Hell, people even started to share it! Then one day I reached a million views…

It was awesome, it was scary and it was kinda cool. I shared my blog with friends and family (which I previously hadn’t done). I set up an Instagram account and put adverts on my site and started to take it all a bit more seriously. 

Seeing some of my blog posts “go viral” (ugh) gave me the confidence to write more. People must like it if that many are visiting my little old blog. 

But with that came pressure. Intrusive thoughts. Writer’s block. Self doubt. Who cares what I have to say? 

Friends would talk to me about my blog and specific posts they’d read and I’d physically cringe! I’d see email addresses I recognised signing up to receive notifications every time I posted something.

Then when I came to write, I’d be worrying “Oh but my best friend’s husband doesn’t want to read this shite.” 

Once I had ‘followers’ (also ugh!) I started to care about what I wrote. Give the audience what they want and all that. 

But if you’ve followed this blog for a while, you’ll know that I don’t post much anymore. 

It’s not that I don’t like writing anymore. I have notebooks and diaries full of my thoughts, witterings, all the crap in my head. Over 200 notes on my phone and about 35 draft blog posts. 

I just can’t seem to hit publish lately. 

I’m not looking for attention. I’m not asking for people to compliment me or for “keep up the good job” type stuff. I just want to write again and not worry about it. 

I’ve been pretty brave in the past 6 months. In September I had a bad accident. I’ve never broken anything in my life before. (It’s my family nose!! Dickhead.) 

Anyhoo, I had to have surgery. I was housebound for a while. I had time off work. And I did a lot of thinking about life and stuff. 

I did some other brave things last year too – my first proper solo trip in March, followed up by another solo trip just 7 weeks after my accident. I volunteered for the first time. I quit my job. My comfort zone is nowhere in sight!! 

I’m now in Malta for 2 months on my own, bar a handful of visitors. I’m on a Workaway project, I’ve signed up to Facebook groups and meet ups and I’m going to meet some strangers for drinks this Friday!

After that I’m going to Asia for 5/6 months, some of that will be with the husband, some of it will be solo. 

I’m hoping I have some time to write. 

It’ll be about travel mostly, because that’s what I’m doing now. I can’t write about Dutchies being weirdos if I’m not there.  

Maybe you care about the stuff I’m writing, maybe you don’t. And that’s fine.

I’m scared about posting this, but I’m just going to do it anyway. 

One last thing – if you’re reading this and you’re thinking about starting a blog, or quitting your job, or going travelling… you can do it. If I can, so can you. The hardest thing to do is to take that first leap. 

Hayley x 

 

10 comments

  1. I really like the way you keep everything on a ‘normal’ level. You describe your vulnerabilities, your bitterbal-experiences, your everything you want to share in a normal way. Nothing pumped up, just you. That’s why I read your blogs. Thanks you and have fun!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I love reading your work! Be as junky as you want and I’ll still be here! (Most of the time. I tend to cringe at those photo blogs people post. HELLO?! Isn’t that what instagram and imgur and stuff is for? 🙄) (Sorry, that’s not to you, that’s to the blogging world in general. Honestly, I only started including more pictures in my posts to attract readers. It hasn’t worked.)

    One thing I’ve thought about several times (and haven’t done) is a language intensive in Vermont. Not only is the idea of speaking only Spanish for seven weeks HARD, but there’s all that extra blather about getting accepted, having the money to fly over there, etcetera.

    Good for you on traveling alone! I think I’d want to do a solo domestic trip one more time before going overseas. I’m not counting Ireland, because I was with two other people all the time–not alone like a traditional exchange student. (Which means that other than going to renaissance festival, my only solo trip has been to Vegas.)

    Keep us posted…pun intended! ♥

    Liked by 1 person

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