I don’t want kids.

Now that I’m engaged, this is the question people ask me all the time. “When are you going to have kids?” Like I don’t have an option, but I just have to decide when I’m going to do it. Not “Are you going to have kids?” which is much more appropriate. No, I’m not going to have kids. SHOCK… HORROR… twisted confused faces, glaring at me like I’m some kind of freak.

Me in 1984

Me, in August 1984 (almost 3 years old)

I’m 31. I haven’t been to Australia, I haven’t been to New Zealand, Canada, Japan China, India… and countless other places. Hell, I haven’t even been to Scotland, Wales OR Ireland!! I haven’t been unemployed, I haven’t run more than 10k, I haven’t cycled somewhere crazy for charity or jumped out of a plane*. You get what I’m saying. There are so many things I haven’t done yet… and so many things I would like to do that don’t include having a baby. And not that I’m saying you can’t do all these things once you’ve had a baby, but it’s a bit hard to jump out of a plane with your baby in your arm, right? 

Don’t get me wrong, maybe when I’ve done all the things I want to do (which includes living in another country!) I might change my mind. Never say never. I don’t know how I’m going to feel in a year, let alone two, five or ten!  But at the moment it’s a definite no. And people just can’t seem to get their heads around that! I don’t feel broody, I don’t see my friends kids and think “ooh I really want to be a mother!”

I like kids, especially my friends kids. They’re funny, unpredictable and ridiculously cute! I buy them presents, I remember their birthdays (ok, that’s a lie – I have a calendar – I’m RUBBISH at remembering dates!!) I like spending time with them. But I don’t want a baby of my own. I’m happy it just being me and the Dutchie. Together forever, enjoying life and the challenges it throws our way… luckily, he feels the same!

I’m not ready to put another life before mine. Selfish, right? Wrong. My life, my way. I’m not going to have a baby because it’s the ‘done thing’ once you’re married. I’m not going to have a baby if I don’t want to. And who knows, maybe I can’t even have kids! It’s assumed that you can have kids, but what if you can’t? What if there are problems with you or your partner that affect your fertility? Never assume.

I don’t want a baby. This doesn’t make me a freak.

Now I’m going to pack. It looks like we’re moving to the Netherlands sooner rather than later!

Hayley x

*I’m not even sure if I WANT to jump out of a plane! But a girl needs options!! 😉


  1. So nice to finally read the words I only ever hear coming out of my mouth. I love my childless life – with the love of my life. We’re free of the responsibility of planning every minute of the day around someone other than ourselves – we don’t need to have a ‘volksverhuizing’ whenever we go somewhere and we can be spontanious. I don’t want my life to change and however much you ‘get in return’ for having kids (omg how many times don’t we hear that phrase…), one thing is certain: your life will NEVER be the same (excuse the caps). So I get you girl – thanks for making me feel like I’m not the only one 🙂

    By the way, I thoroughly enjoy reading your articles while I’m totally procrastinating what I should be doing on my computer right now. I myself am a half Welsh 31 yr old Dutchie, so a lot of the things you write sound very familiar.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You’re so right! I myself always wanted to go travelling, seeing other countries, meeting loads of new people, enveloping myself in other cultures, which is why I eventually ended up in the UK.

    I studied in Los Angeles, was an au pair in New York (for about 3 months–then decided the kids were too bratty and the parents too demanding, and left haha!), spent three months living on the breadline in Spain, and two months in a one-man tent on a campsite in Croyde/Devon. I loved adventure! But then I hadn’t met the man of my dreams yet… Once I started Uni I met my (now) ex and thought he was perfect. I fell pregnant in my second year, which was a shock, but we’d already decided we wanted to get married, so it wasn’t unwelcome 🙂

    Long story short(er), my daughter was an accident. If she hadn’t come along we would’ve been travelling after Uni, perhaps living abroad for a fair few years… I never plan things, they just seem to happen to me.

    The one thing I never get is why people would call it selfish to not have kids. Who are you depriving?? The non-existent kid? To each their own I say, there are already way too many unwanted and uncared-for kids in this world…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So refreshing to read this! It’s spot on the story of my life…. 31, with an older bf, I’m a more then regular victim to pose this question to. In the rare case people seem to be understanding my point of view, they immediately assume I don’t like or even hate kids. And guess what: I love kids, especially the ones close to me. I just don’t like having one for myself. So as a good dutch “auntie” I’m a lot of childrens “suikertante”. (Costing tons of money, while I like to buy the nicests gifts I can find and do cool things with the kids)

    When confronted (again….sigh) with THE question I now joke about it. There’s a dutch saying about raddling ovaries at a certain age. Nowadays I just respond not expecting to have ovaries, while they won’t raddle….

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Nice blog! I’m also childfree. When I got married someone also asked me: “When are you having kids?” I must have looked at him like: “WHAT?!” So I instantly replied: “Never!” Then he asked: “Why did you get married then?” Why did I get married? Because it’s fun and I get to wear a beautiful dress of course! LOL. It’s still really hard for people to believe that you can do without kids.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Hi there, just tuning in from the ‘other side’ :). Just found your blog through another blog (one about NL/Germany), and felt like giving a reaction to this topic.
    I don’t know if it’s primarily the Britih you’re writing about here, or the Dutch. If it’s the latter, this is exactly one of the points why I thoroughly enjoy having emigrated and do NOT want to go back (you might have guessed it: I’m Dutch). Everyone just needs to fit into this ‘we’. Different from you, my personal goal in live was actually to have a family and children (it’s only one right now, but the second will come within a year or three). But I can perfectly understand why one wouldn’t want this. To be honest, there are days I just want to be left alone. It’s extremely annoying to always have to be there, can’t do anything of your own (ok: he’s only 18 months old, what would you expect) unless your better half takes off for a while with the little man. Like today.
    People who act like having kids is only sunny bright life are dirty little liars… But still, I wouldn’t want it any other way. I love my little man and couldn’t imagine life without him.
    On a final note, I also think that people might be somewhat offended because it seems to be considered a ‘social duty’ to have kids. For societies future. For various reasons. To pay for the welfare state, to keep the percentage of ‘own folks’ high enough (not my words), et cetera. But most won’t really realise why they react the way they do. Most people do not reflect. This is exactly what annoys me about the Dutch ‘tolerance’. It’s not tolerant, it’s ignoring differences.

    Keep up the blogs! It’s fun to read. I love the reflection of foreigners on my home country. Puts the things in another light. And one little secret: most Dutch I know actually despise these typical Dutch birthdays. My German wife was shocked the first time she attended one :).


  6. I just found your blog and have been going through the archives.

    I’m Dutch, but moved to Canada when I was 16. My husband and I never wanted children (I got married in 1982 – eek, I’m old!!)

    The most offending comment I heard when I told someone I was not planning to have children was “but who will take care of you when you’re old?” Talk about selfish!

    Liked by 1 person

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